I just wanted to pop on here and maybe clear some things up.
It’s been YEARS since I’ve written anything new. What I have done is put up an old favorite and take one post off of private. Looking back a lot of what I wrote is very different from how I perceived it to be then. I thought it was brilliant. I thought I was brilliant – ha! That would be the bipolar whispering in my ear. What I see now really fascinates me, oh how lost I was.
I haven’t thought about my blog for a long time until recently. I’ve been through so much turmoil over the last five years or so. I have been through so many medication cocktails that I have lost count. Right now I’m not very well put together but probably more stable than I have been since I started blogging. I have been hospitalized several times in the past year or two I’m afraid. I always looked it as a failure, to be institutionalized. My sister is lovely, she let me know it was strength to admit I needed help that badly rather than let things in my head get bad enough to do something drastic that I was committed against my will.
I have made a sad bargain though. I am taking my medication and able to function more now than before yes, however it has stifled my creativity almost entirely. i.e. No more “mental hurling,” no more purging the bad thoughts, no viable way to eliminate the tortuous ideas and notions that plague me.
There are times I miss the mania. Times when I was really tormented and the catharsis that came with writing furiously as a result.
Maybe I’ll be inspired by something soon. I’m rather emotionless lately.
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