Quite an Odd Feeling

Posted on May 1, 2016. Filed under: a look in my book, Mental Hurling, Miscellaneous, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , |

Quite an odd feeling,
something being gone when you expect it to be there.
Sometimes it takes the absence of something you take for granted to make you see
An obvious sentiment however one that bears repeating.

Little bits of my mind are lost, things I thought I needed.
Lost, I can call it such because I actually miss what is gone.
Lost implies you can possibly recover something, just a matter of will.
Regardless of the terminology, the bottom line is, I am no longer whole.

How easy it is to shut down, to not see.
The ability to bend reality in your own mind is a beautiful thing but transient.
Reality is persistent.
Eventually it will creep back in, steal into your thoughts, ruin any construction
you choose to hide behind.
No matter how grand or how simple you decide to make your perception of a situation,
the reality of it will get you eventually.

If time is a luxury then I am more poor than I imagined.
Each tick of the clock brings me that much closer to actually seeing.
The things I cannot acknowledge will not be ignored.
Where do you hide when your mind betrays you,
when you can no longer blind yourself?

I spend my time unwisely.
In these moments I have been given what have I accomplished?
Each breath I draw is a lost moment, one where no dream was achieved,
no progress made, nothing beneficial.
Just a simple exchange of oxygen for carbon dioxide.
The world will spin with or without any of us.

Where do you look to find a point?
Do you listen to the word of another?
Ultimately we answer to no one but ourselves.

Why must I mentally drag myself to even the most mundane of actions?
There is something there, something driving me, an answer, I know there is.
I have to make a choice.
A large part of me looks at all of this life’s possibilities and feels the
urge to jump to action.

What is unfortunate is even the smallest doubt can outweigh the best of intentions.
This burden, knowing the magnitude of what I have lost, weighs more than
I know how to bear.
I am at the mercy of my own insecurity, my own inaction.

There is an answer, there is an explanation.
It is part of what is lost and I cling to the possibility of finding it.
I now sit as I have so many times, fooling myself into believing I will
recover that missing magic bit of information.
I think it is this delusion alone that powers my ability to move at all.

I am here, I will be here, I will keep looking.
I promise not to stray too far if you promise not to point out
that I move in circles.

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Exhalation

Posted on July 28, 2013. Filed under: a look in my book, Change of Pace, justice, Mental Hurling, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Thoughtlessly unappreciated and seemingly tossed randomly about by fate
Numbed to the chaos a gift can emerge from acceptance of the unthinkable
Survive and one becomes tempered
Like the finest steel however forged in misfortune and misunderstanding
Each violation, real or perceived, a misfortunate but well placed strike of the hammer
Shaping a future
Pain and torment, possible confusion, solitude and feelings of helplessness
To state time heals all wounds is a blanket lie, it takes work and insight.
Seeking wisdom or intellectual gain from loathsome events…
Is not pretty nor is it easily acquired
Patience and examination of the minutia of each nightmare endured
With sadistic resolution to admit and own every flaw,
Acceptance and forgiveness of actions or inaction
In order to reach a higher understanding
An often bittersweet realization due to the process is amazing
One can discover that in each experience
Whether it brings marvel or misery
There is something of great worth
A priceless commodity to be gained.
Some of the most tragic and agonizing events
Upon deep reflection often yield the most amazing epiphanies
New-found strength, Previously unimagined adaptability
The forgiveness of others as well as ones self, Incredible personal growth
Unexpected insight into ones own psyche
The unbridled joy of turning pain into a positive gift
The myriad of benefits in the wake of any torturous event
Are restricted only by ones fear of reliving the mental pain.
Sifting through each atrocity to find any grain of knowledge
Aiding any tiny spark that may, and generally will, help come to terms.
Promoting the reduction of future instances where any similar nightmares
Might vie to hold power over your thoughts or preset fears that might dictate negative actions
Seek and discover the positive then learn to let the negative go
It can be the beginning of a path to eventual bliss
Upon successful endurance of a catastrophic event
If and when one chooses to commit to find the good when mired in misery
 
Consider this a challenge, dare, a plea from a voice of experience
Look for the positive, it is there. It may be deeply buried
The quest at times will almost surely create degrees of duress but know this:
There is no greater reward (though painful) than to fight and survive,
Eventually come to terms with an unthinkable ordeal
Then find joy or peace, acceptance through sincere reflection in it’s wake.

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Magic word contest -CANCELLED

Posted on February 23, 2013. Filed under: Announcements, Contests, Mental Hurling, Miscellaneous, Musings, Prose, why the hell not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Ask anyone to say the magic word
invariably they will say “please.”
That is a fallacy, a lie, it holds no power.
I know true magic.
A single word – when spoken properly –
can devistate.
This word can end lives.
Destroy families.
Cause the mightiest of men to question their own worth.
This damning word is tricky,
it is generally benign in nature.
We use it every day.
The evil magic it holds is manifested by the speaker.
It’s duality only exsists due to the capacity
for cruelty in men’s hearts… or women’s.
Both are as likely to curse another
with this life altering utterance.
Once viciously used, once Pandora’s box is opened,
it’s never truly the same afterward,
it’s never quite shut again.
Try as you wish, no ammends are complete.
The word leaves it’s mark on the receiver.
I dare not divulge the secret
I will say this:
Speak not in anger and do not be rash.
Words can be powerful.
Burning bridges can consume in a literal sense…

I REGRET TO ANNOUNCE THE CONTEST HAS BEEN COMPROMISED AND THEREFORE IS OFFICIALLY CANCELLED.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE SUDDEN DECISION HOWEVER IT IS DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL.

JUST FOR FUN… IF YOU WOULD STILL LIKE TO VENTURE A GUESS YOU MAY ATTEMPT CALLING THE EGGLINE AT 908-FOR-EGGS.

THANK YOU

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View the spew

Posted on January 11, 2013. Filed under: a look in my book, goofy crap, Mental Hurling, Prose, why the hell not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

image

Steal what you will
I refuse it
I can not be me and
You can not
Have me
My pieces
Have never fit
You prove
Nothing
With
Gossamer
Threads
I will

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tribute

Posted on January 9, 2013. Filed under: Announcements, justice, Miscellaneous, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’ve decided not to publish the post as promised to KTRE Lufkin/Tyler for personal reasons. I apologize to anyone who may have been expecting to see it however at this point in time I feel it was a mistake to make the sentiment public.

Thank you and my apologies.

Stacy

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It’s me!

Posted on November 28, 2012. Filed under: Announcements, goofy crap, Miscellaneous, Musings, why the hell not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

image

Before I Launch into red again… Here I am!

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Think

Posted on November 11, 2012. Filed under: Mental Hurling, Musings, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Those who claim to love themselves unconditionally generally do so ignorant of the true nature of their own mind. The duality of our thoughts are attributed to “evil” or outside forces. This can not be true. From the simmplest notions to the most complex emotions we are programmed. We behave and conciously think as we do because we are taught and conditioned to do so for the benefit of society.

However

To love yourself – all of yourself – you must accept the fact that that little voice in the back of your mind, …is valid. Those terrible thoughts of murderous rage. Lustful indiscretions. Selfish thoughtless-gimmie. Illegal, immoral, the pit is deep and dark. Those thoughts would  be acted upon if not for your training. Can you accept that? Think of all the horrible things that have crossed your mind. You conceivably are capable of each. Your subconcious spat it out, you created it, your doing.

Think long and hard about who you truly are.

Still in love with you?

sccirca10?

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Reprieve

Posted on August 13, 2012. Filed under: Mental Hurling, Musings, Prose, why the hell not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

Silenced.  My voice means nothing
My words are all I have, all I am left with
Once proud and possessing qualities that made me whole
Complete
I am, was, stripped of all and left with my words
They fall on deaf ears
Air passes from my lips with thought and feeling,
At times great emotion accompanying it
The sounds I make are meaningless.
Reduced now to ink and paper
Searching for those who would understand
I see Hope.  What I recall Hope to be.
The world turns a deaf ear to my one remaining sanity
Save an island of hope
A promise of things I dare not say aloud
Lest the spell be broken
I long to freely admit my desire
Damn this self imposed gag order
I want camaraderie.  I long for sympathetic ears
I need intelligent banter.  I crave reciprocation
I sit, drowning in apathetic masses –
Unaware of the horror their mundane existence represents
Therein lies no beauty, no emotion, no truth
They grind and they shun simple words
Because they represent complex notions:
Why?  How?  What if?
Do you see?
Their eyes tightly closed they shuffle through life
Refusing to stray from their blindered paths
I need joy.  I’ve learned to relish my pain
I have to stay off their path
I endure, and have done so, because I have felt what it is
To be alive
I have died many times and come back
There is no blinder to negate that
The common consensus will not “see”
They refuse to hear.  Can NOT accept my words
Deny my voice
I cease to exist, it is their comfort
I can not stay silent
Though I may be ignored what is festering in me must be expelled
I will not allow my voice to be lost
Hope – my island – Hope listens
Hope hears, Hope understands
I say this now, know your true name
Walk with me, listen and know
That in doing so, You are Hope

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the contest eggline is back.

Posted on August 6, 2012. Filed under: Announcements, Contests, goofy crap, Miscellaneous | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

***** 908 for-eggs ***** is back up and running. You can call me with your guesses again!

the 908 for eggs line is temporarily dead, thanks to T Monster, I mean mobile (no, I meant monster)

I will be stomping mudholes in someone’s hiney shortly …

t monster squashed the egg line temporarily (908 for eggs)

Till then email Magic Word Contest guesses to eggstacee@hotmail.com

I am soooooo eventually going to lay it all out for everyone… it’s bad.

First, resolution, then – they bite the soap

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Dominoes

Posted on July 19, 2012. Filed under: Announcements, justice, Miscellaneous | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

Free, thought we were safe, then:
the car didn’t even stop, but the one behind the soulless asses did. July 16th, 3:15 pm Coco was hit by a car. That night, surgery. Recovery, ongoing but POSITIVE!
Drainage tube might be out by the weekend (:

image

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image

image

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too blind

Posted on June 1, 2012. Filed under: Mental Hurling, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

there it sits, a pathetic sight once caught by wandering eyes

design flaws rendered the line over after launch, few exist if others at all

not novel nor sought, no value assigned, stripped for scrap but left with one ability

intertia, none bother to know but avoided as if cursed,

no touch gave power to unlock the intended purpose encased in the derelict form

a secret, a test, a gift based on curiosity and drive to experience

lost things, a treasure and a dream

necessity to connect, find a mirrored path

silent and a dire reminder of suffocating solitute

to hint at it’s truth destroys its purose,

to utter objection destroys any hope

resigned to silent torment in secret

watched it sits, avoided, awash in disgust but a source

of individual solace

a chance at liberation

worth waiting

time is just time

it passes and patience is a price willingly paid

for a chance to face any reflection

such kindred emotion, patience is my bane

a price to pay, always a price

….. pain dulls over time

sit… learn… pay

endure in persuit of that moment

to have that moment

any price

pay pay perpetuate pay

kindred and waiting willing enduring…

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Necessity

Posted on May 8, 2012. Filed under: Miscellaneous, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , |

Calm, there’s air. Pull – Correct. Acceptable.  Now conform.

Not to convention, An asinine supposition.

Adhere to your set construct. The Concept is clear.

The mechanism, established.

Try to resist if necessary, to question sharpens the intellect.

Do so tethered to the concrete. The axis all sentience, in its time of peril defers to. A limbic compulsion. Muscle memory.

Tout. il n’y a pas un seule autre.

Universally, all return to that which allows the psyche to permit existence

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Moving SOON

Posted on January 3, 2012. Filed under: Miscellaneous, Musings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , |

I have plans… yeah, big plans. I want a home, a place of my own. Somewhere I can stretch out and feel comfortable.

Be myself (whomever that may be at that moment)

Somewhere I can make sense out of myself – maybe give others insight into me. (I’ll feel so naked . HAHAHAHA like there’s anyone who hasn’t seen me naked at this point?)

COMING SOON….

La maison d’oeuf.   eatit (no please don’t. not really)

I’m building a nest, I have to wait for a man named Daniel and then it begins.  It all begins tomorrow!  I hope I make it a nicer place than my rl house (: I’m SUCH a slob hahahaha

I hope to see everyone (and I DO mean everyone) there in the future. ooh ooh a webwarming party! I want presence hahaha punny huh?

Come see soon, I’ll let you know when it’s time. It’s going to be legen…

 

 

    wait for it

 

 

…dary!

 

-s

(Much Love NPH)

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My coin, flipped

Posted on September 18, 2011. Filed under: Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Thick tendrills reach out of darkness, creep along – drag their way across anything in their path.
Blind, yet they move with purpose. Each seeking to fufill it’s intent.
They lust for flesh.
Twisted fiverous doubt and misery. They hunt in the absence of light.
Unknowing, we offer ourselves to the horror.
No,
not all, only those of us who lack hope.
That inner light whose glimmer banishes the atrocities.
I yearn for such a radiant source. I knew it long ago.
Time is relative –
could have been yesterday.
The only certainty is now.
As I go to close my eyes I do so knowing I sacrifice my flesh and mind.
Chemically, I have no choice.
Having said this, I reluctantly slip into the void.

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Old Posts don’t die…

Posted on July 23, 2011. Filed under: Miscellaneous, Musings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

Old Posts don’t die…. but then here everything is new. Take a peek at what bipolar is like without complaints or explanations shoved down your throat. Experience the whirlwind with none of the moaning and groaning… hehe I keep the crybaby stuff for the privacy of my home (should it roll around, and it does.) I’ve recently migrated and just want a chance to show my stuff. I’ll have new material asap but for now, hop in and have a laugh, sate your curiosity,or  just be weird (like me!)

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Magic Word Contest

Posted on July 21, 2011. Filed under: Contests | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

It’s here, it’s here – try to figure out the Magic Word Contest. and WIN

Real contest, FREE TO ENTER, Multiple guesses welcomed

ANYONE can enter and WIN (except where prohibited by law)

(Where it’s prohibited I haven’t a clue, we’ll play it by ear!)

Real PRIZES   whoohoo!

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From Another Me

Posted on July 21, 2011. Filed under: Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Perpetual scabs – unable to heal
mental fingers worry and pick
time and repetition provide sick comfort
wear them like a badge
Survived.  So what?
others care – if worried to that point
pushed and dragged
wear them down – make them see
sick pride – silly games
all justification
a reason to give
a broken psyche to exist
malleable reality is beauty
Chameleon that has been created
rears the appropriate head
-give a situation
get an adaptation-
all to get by – no clear purpose
attempted use of ones self – inept
Fragile – much the snowflake
created by bitter forces
transient beauty
carried by whims
devoid of malice
dangerous to those overexposed
annihilated by pressure
would that I were a snowflake…
Brutally I remain
a collection of wanting scabs.

-sc/ur410/us

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Blog Libs – About Last Night

Posted on July 21, 2011. Filed under: Blog Libs, Miscellaneous | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Grab a paper or start a comment, jot down the following words then fill them in to the story in order. Yay Blog Libs!
 
Noun….adjective….adjective….verb ending in -ing….noun….emotional word….verb…..footwear….verb past tense….noun….noun….noun….verb past tense….adverb(verb ending in -ly)… plural noun… adjective… noun adjective… adverb (verb ending in -ly)… verb past tense….wild animal …. body parts…. adjective….adjective….noun.
 
 
 
 
About Last Night…
 
So there I was sitting on my (noun) when I realized, it was (adjective) HOT in here. I found it quite (adjective) because usually by this time of night I’m (verb ending in –ing) to the point where I’m throwing on sleepy pants and wondering if I should grab a sweater or a warm (noun).
I get up and stand on a floor vent and much to my (emotional word) it feels really warm, just like the air coming out of it! The first thought I had was to go outside and (verb) the unit in the back yard. I grabbed a flashlight and my trusty (footwear) and tromped through the jungle I call a lawn out back and (verb past tense) what I could. All seemed normal.  My next thought was the inside cooling unit. I made my way back through the (noun) to the freshly mown front lawn and into the (noun). It was hotter than (noun).
I (verb past tense) to the hall where the ac unit is hidden. It was so hot in the house I (adverb) made a command decision and took off my (plural noun).  Practically naked, I methodically pulled everything I could off the exterior. The coils were (adjective) ! I rounded up a scrub brush, a chair for height and the vacuum with the (noun) attachment to suck up the clotted dust and dirt. After some (adjective) cleaning and vacuuming I managed to clean out the coils and the surrounding area. I (adverb) put the panels and filter back on the unit and (verb past tense) for the best.
By this time I was sweating like a (wild animal). I crossed my (body parts) and sheepishly turned the air conditioner back on… SUCCESS! It was blowing cold air like (adjective)! I jumped in the shower and threw some clothes back on, tweeted my (adjective) McGyver ninja talents and looked for a (noun) to cover up with. I was really cold again.
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So Majestic

Posted on July 21, 2011. Filed under: Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I am the Queen of Nothing
I rule over the void with diligence
My commands echo back unheeded
My subjects, shadow and air
With loving care I tend to all
Every inch of oblivion
The sum of negative at my fingertips
I wield great power here
Tho I reign supreme I do so prudently
Great care is to be taken not to upset any balance
Rest assured while this Crown of Air rests upon my troubled head
Nothing will be alright

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