Back from the dead(ish)

Posted on September 16, 2011. Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’ve no idea how long I’ll be around, I’ve no idea what I’m up to lately. It’s been forever since anything’s been clear. Med changes and I are NOT friends. I have an horrific time, every time, it would seem. One mitigating factor is my refusal to be hospitalized… when you’re sitting at home having adverse reactions it can be difficult to coordinate everything necessary to rectify your situation. At least in my case it is. I can’t speak for anyone else because I only know one other person whose condition is much like my own (similar diagnoses) and that is my daughter. Fear not (as if) because,

I am a rubber ball

I can and have endured SO MUCH more than this speed bump. My mother (who really tries now but never understood anything about my particular psychiatric issues in the past,) told me something a LONG time ago that was BRILLIANT. It’s something I have used ever since to soothe myself, to justify whatever horrid thing I’ve had to go through be it mental, situational or physical. No matter how hard I try there will never be a way I could express the magnitude of the impact of those words on my existence. I was rather young and in the midst of a terrible depression I was failing miserably at dealing with she said:

You’ve been through this before and survived, you will get through this too. You may not remember how but you know it has happened. You will be alright.

Kind of  obvious in a way however in heightened states of anxiety, pain, panic or fear, those words repeat in my head like a mantra. I’ve endured more than I care to share, a lot of things I have no memory of, things I’d give anything to forget – all because I spent those eternities in utter chaotic hell clinging to that gift my mother gave me. 

I ask you to read it again, think about it. It’s simple yet so easy to forget when things get rough. I don’t see how it wouldn’t work for “normies” as it does for me. Everyone has their demons/nightmares to endure.

I share this because it has made me strong, because I think it can help others, because it is a large part of how I exist. I don’t pretend to understand my mother or our relationship, but I will always be indebted to her for the beautiful salvation she bestowed upon me. Just when I needed it, in a way I needed to hear it, from the person I wanted to hear something from. She was THERE for me. In this way she’s been there for me through it all, her words … they changed my life, I wish I knew how to express that to her. … . We just don’t talk that way anymore, never really have that I can recall. No, that’s not true, I know we had a fabulous relationship when I was a child but as I got older and my “defective chemistry” wreaked havoc on everyone around me (and myself,) I annihilated a LOT of bridges.

In closing I honestly have to say I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life like my mom. Unknowingly she gave me the key to unlocking the path to my own salvation. I’m not there, but I live a better life than I ever thought possible. I feel incapable of convincing her of my sincerity if I were to try to explain all this to her. I don’t believe she really trusts me and I don’t blame her. I was FROM HELL for a long time. I wasn’t properly diagnosed AND on beneficial medications untill a handful of years ago. If my mother was my salvation that makes my sister a SUPERHERO.  That story is for another time, for now – I have to stop. I feel weird now having poured all this out on your heads. It’s not something that I normally do regarding my mother. She gave me life, knowledge, bitchin’ genetics, and a handful of words that changed my life. I gave her hell. I love her, I really don’t know if she’s comfortable with that considering our history.

My gift to my mother is my relative silence. It’s what everyone’s been getting lately. I’ve learned that everyone seems to like it to some extent… some a LOT more than others. I talk too much, I realize it now more than ever. It’s a nasty face full of reality to discover that when you fall silent after being so talkative, no one raises an eyebrow or a phone to even say hello. I usually learn quickly, I think I just didn’t want to believe this dose of reality, I’m happy to go back to blowing bubbles now. Shortly I’ll post an old-ish piece of prose, maybe I’ll have some more to say, maybe not. I can’t concern myself with who’s not caring anymore, it’s detrimental.

-s

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