The more you know…

Posted on May 2, 2016. Filed under: Miscellaneous |

I just wanted to pop on here and maybe clear some things up.

It’s been YEARS since I’ve written anything new. What I have done is put up an old favorite and take one post off of private. Looking back a lot of what I wrote is very different from how I perceived it to be then. I thought it was brilliant. I thought I was brilliant – ha! That would be the bipolar whispering in my ear. What I see now really fascinates me, oh how lost I was.

I haven’t thought about my blog for a long time until recently. I’ve been through so much turmoil over the last five years or so. I have been through so many medication cocktails that I have lost count. Right now I’m not very well put together but probably more stable than I have been since I started blogging. I have been hospitalized several times in the past year or two I’m afraid. I always looked it as a failure, to be institutionalized. My sister is lovely, she let me know it was strength to admit I needed help that badly rather than let things in ย my head get bad enough to do something drastic that I was committed against my will.

I have made a sad bargain though. I am taking my medication and able to function more now than before yes, however it has stifled my creativity almost entirely. ย i.e. No more “mental hurling,” no more purging the bad thoughts, no viable way to eliminate the tortuous ideas and notions that plague me.

There are times I miss the mania. Times when I was really tormented and the catharsis that came with writing furiously as a result.

Maybe I’ll be inspired by something soon. I’m rather emotionless lately.

 

smc16

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