Talkmonster

Posted on December 3, 2012. Filed under: Announcements, goofy crap, Miscellaneous, Musings, why the hell not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

It’s not that I talk my ass off to torment people. I realized it’s a weird habit, part of my brand of damage. I’m actually thinking out loud in a sense. It might be annoying because I’m hard to follow (I jump on tangents compulsively but eventually come full circle.) I have to laugh at me, for the longest it bothered when I was ignored. Now it’s distressing when anyone acknowledges me. Hahaha Truth be known, it started because I was the only one I knew who grasped a concept I wanted to bounce around… Needed to actually ~hear the words~ for that perspective if nothing else. And we learn through repetition… I wish I knew someone like me. Who could grasp/learn/understand/synthesize almost any info/concept without effort, torn up with my own stupid blindness to my own hypocrisy, know exactly how others tick psychologically and how they could be such happy people if they embraced a simple premise (they won’t tolerate the notion of me speaking so that’s pie in the sky.) I am able to do just about anything ~~ except function in society in any way that isn’t to my detriment. I love me, messed up and idiotic as I always tend to get I always have. That’s so awesome in my book. I wouldn’t trade my nightmares for anything. I’m stressed, yes, but it’s been worth all the agony, humiliation, instant hatred and massive confusion to understand now who I’ve been all along. I’m crawling with defect, I just recently realized the answer to the question haunting me my entire life. And, WOW! It’s unbelievably awesome and in many aspects completely vile at the same time … I love the irony (: If I start some verbal assault around you whoever you are… Two choices A. Lemming response : mental mute button, “uh huh… Uh huh… k…gotta go…” et al Or B. Tune in for a few, try to get the gist of what I trying to say or am blathering about… Interject or add on (be my hero, teach me something new) or ask an off the wall question completely off topic. I’ll know the answer or I’ll produce a new one adhering to the given parameters. If not I will be able to produce specific or related/relevant, legitimate information of some sort off the top of my head. Stupid egg tricks right?
No practical application that I’m aware of and trust me, I’ve been making a desperate attempt to find anything of the sort for decades (alone, way far and gone on my own generally)
Add that I’m not an acquired taste. Either I’m like human crack and people all about my bullshit OR they are like Mikey and I’m not cereal, one taste of me and I’m spat out in disgust, occasionally followed by retaliatory acts of cruelty and violence twice with lethal intent. I am and have for a long time been, benevolent in nature. Chosen to allow others to be vicious and spout ignorance, condescend, and quietly tolerated it to prevent conflict. I’m tired of it. Collectively, you all wore me down. I can’t expose myself to any situation that would by nature suggest innundation with lack of knowledge/education, intolerance and aggression. I am done taking every hit for a team that by a majority, loathes my existence because I’m “weird.” I am disgusted at the thought of being rude, and odd in that with glee I’m ready to go there. I am quite capable of going lots of places, fortunately I have the intelligence to know what is right and what is always wrong and can never be excused or justified. I pose no threat to life or property, I relish the thought of freely naming cruel aggressors insecurities and shortcomings in public in order to humiliate and create emotional trauma. It’s a gift. (: Push, I’ll let it go. Shove, people should never embrace physical violence. I won’t raise my hand against anyone. Hypocrite that I am, you never meet anyone who uses more destructive, targeted verbal abuse in your life. I didn’t realize I was doing it until recently. Now that I can’t deny it and I am aware I try to watch my tongue. I’m saving those insights for those who need to grasp their place. Nobody is any better than anyone else. We are all special in our own ways – all flawed and insecure due to different circumstance. Drop the need to belittle others to feel ok about yourself and that’s an excellent start.
I’m going to do it! Why not? I’m not going to lose friends over it. I have two and they’re enlightened tolerant and accepting. (: Yay project! Watch, I make a decision like this… Nobody will be ugly towards me or attempt violence again. It’s a daily concern, protecting my child is always playing out in the chaotic noise in my head.
One constant clear image. They attacked her at school, Conroe, Tx. a cess pool of ignorance, populated by people who embrace stupity and devalue education. Their school district treated me like an alien for some time when I would appear to check on my child’s progress in education, socialization skills, emotionally appropriate reactions, etc. They were the most inept, unbelievable group of clueless school administrators surpassed in their ineptitude only by the disgrace the call an isd police force (add the little control freak lackey under Judge Mett’s (illogical man) who blessed my child with the words: yes, when you spit fountain water on your attacker’s shoe she had every right to punch you repeatedly in the face as you stood motionless compelled to not put your hands on another student by the school vice principal (manipulating her disability) Now, say what I want,how I want and this all goes away. Refuse and at 13 you’re guilty and its on a permanent record clear to college apps. Really? My daughter was tormented for months by a gang you incessantly ignored my questioning of your intent in regard to… Their concerted hatred culminated in a vicious brutal attack and it’s MY kids fault ?
Tick tock asshole
? Huh?
Exactly. (:

We’re free of the situations, learning to live with the past without denial. At least I am. My baby, I’ll be supportive when it she gets to this point. Whatever her process may be, I’m onboard. Of all the things I never expected, all the surprises in my life, no shock, no revelation, realization, nothing at all was as nearly fatal as realizing who my most vicious sadistic relentless tormentor has been.
Me.
Instinct? Creepy iq, severe genetic deviation to the point of singularity (my personal arrogant favorite) blah whatever. I saw what I could be ok with seeing. People were who I needed them to be. I live in a delusion so persistent it lasted 40 years. Now, I know me.

Believe me, don’t. Like it, hate. Be happy, angry, lash out, light me up.
Ok.
I can handle it. Honest! Here’s the deal tho. I have NEVER denied my mistakes, flaws, shortcomings. Pretty hard to insult me. I know a lot better than anyone else by skeletons and disgraces. Point out a flaw, if it’s new to me I’ll thank you for finding a fresh horse corpse for me to pound. Accuse inaccurately, I’ll clarify. I am not hiding much. Be ready to be just as naked, if you’re not able to admit your defects and damage I have no issue giving an initial assessment of yours for you. (: My insight is pretty damn accurate and never really washes off (; Its not to be vindictive as much as it is educational. Everyone is equal in the big picture. I had quit school in the 10th grade. (did a month or so as a junior then my unwelcome pregnant ass was gone) I didn’t stop learning everything I encountered with intent, by proximity, synthesis, deduction, questioning anyone speaking of anything I had never heard of or needed to grasp. No teachers, tests, just wanted to know.
It’s a byproduct of my defect. I love it. Hard road to here, rather me me than anyone, promise. Wouldn’t wish this on anybody though. Anyway I am tired of blathering, no clue what set this crap in motion. Thinking on a cell keyboard is akin to trying to discuss abstract concepts with a toddler. Slow and tedious. I can only surmise subconsciously I decided needed atone for some transgression and this… Everything about this is badong in my world. I’m done. Psycho Stacy, you’re sick. Hahaha! (I like looking at myself that way, makes me giggle) Seriously I’m tired of my mouth/blah blah zipping it.

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