View the spew

Posted on January 11, 2013. Filed under: a look in my book, goofy crap, Mental Hurling, Prose, why the hell not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

image

Steal what you will
I refuse it
I can not be me and
You can not
Have me
My pieces
Have never fit
You prove
Nothing
With
Gossamer
Threads
I will

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tribute

Posted on January 9, 2013. Filed under: Announcements, justice, Miscellaneous, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’ve decided not to publish the post as promised to KTRE Lufkin/Tyler for personal reasons. I apologize to anyone who may have been expecting to see it however at this point in time I feel it was a mistake to make the sentiment public.

Thank you and my apologies.

Stacy

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Back from the dead(ish)

Posted on September 16, 2011. Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’ve no idea how long I’ll be around, I’ve no idea what I’m up to lately. It’s been forever since anything’s been clear. Med changes and I are NOT friends. I have an horrific time, every time, it would seem. One mitigating factor is my refusal to be hospitalized… when you’re sitting at home having adverse reactions it can be difficult to coordinate everything necessary to rectify your situation. At least in my case it is. I can’t speak for anyone else because I only know one other person whose condition is much like my own (similar diagnoses) and that is my daughter. Fear not (as if) because,

I am a rubber ball

I can and have endured SO MUCH more than this speed bump. My mother (who really tries now but never understood anything about my particular psychiatric issues in the past,) told me something a LONG time ago that was BRILLIANT. It’s something I have used ever since to soothe myself, to justify whatever horrid thing I’ve had to go through be it mental, situational or physical. No matter how hard I try there will never be a way I could express the magnitude of the impact of those words on my existence. I was rather young and in the midst of a terrible depression I was failing miserably at dealing with she said:

You’ve been through this before and survived, you will get through this too. You may not remember how but you know it has happened. You will be alright.

Kind of  obvious in a way however in heightened states of anxiety, pain, panic or fear, those words repeat in my head like a mantra. I’ve endured more than I care to share, a lot of things I have no memory of, things I’d give anything to forget – all because I spent those eternities in utter chaotic hell clinging to that gift my mother gave me. 

I ask you to read it again, think about it. It’s simple yet so easy to forget when things get rough. I don’t see how it wouldn’t work for “normies” as it does for me. Everyone has their demons/nightmares to endure.

I share this because it has made me strong, because I think it can help others, because it is a large part of how I exist. I don’t pretend to understand my mother or our relationship, but I will always be indebted to her for the beautiful salvation she bestowed upon me. Just when I needed it, in a way I needed to hear it, from the person I wanted to hear something from. She was THERE for me. In this way she’s been there for me through it all, her words … they changed my life, I wish I knew how to express that to her. … . We just don’t talk that way anymore, never really have that I can recall. No, that’s not true, I know we had a fabulous relationship when I was a child but as I got older and my “defective chemistry” wreaked havoc on everyone around me (and myself,) I annihilated a LOT of bridges.

In closing I honestly have to say I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life like my mom. Unknowingly she gave me the key to unlocking the path to my own salvation. I’m not there, but I live a better life than I ever thought possible. I feel incapable of convincing her of my sincerity if I were to try to explain all this to her. I don’t believe she really trusts me and I don’t blame her. I was FROM HELL for a long time. I wasn’t properly diagnosed AND on beneficial medications untill a handful of years ago. If my mother was my salvation that makes my sister a SUPERHERO.  That story is for another time, for now – I have to stop. I feel weird now having poured all this out on your heads. It’s not something that I normally do regarding my mother. She gave me life, knowledge, bitchin’ genetics, and a handful of words that changed my life. I gave her hell. I love her, I really don’t know if she’s comfortable with that considering our history.

My gift to my mother is my relative silence. It’s what everyone’s been getting lately. I’ve learned that everyone seems to like it to some extent… some a LOT more than others. I talk too much, I realize it now more than ever. It’s a nasty face full of reality to discover that when you fall silent after being so talkative, no one raises an eyebrow or a phone to even say hello. I usually learn quickly, I think I just didn’t want to believe this dose of reality, I’m happy to go back to blowing bubbles now. Shortly I’ll post an old-ish piece of prose, maybe I’ll have some more to say, maybe not. I can’t concern myself with who’s not caring anymore, it’s detrimental.

-s

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Perception

Posted on July 21, 2011. Filed under: Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Quite an odd feeling
Something being gone when you fully expect it to be there.
Sometimes it takes the absence of something you take for granted to make you see.
An obvious sentiment however one that bears repeating.

Little bits of my mind are lost, things I thought I needed. Lost. I can call it such because I actually miss what is gone. Lost implies you can possibly recover something, just a matter of will. Regardless of the terminology, the bottom line is… I am no longer whole.

How easy it is to shut down, to not see. The ability to bend reality in your own mind is a beautiful thing but transient. Reality is persistent. Eventually it will creep back in, steal into your thoughts, ruin any construction you choose to hide behind. No matter how grand or how simple, you decide to make your perception of a situation, the reality of it will get you eventually.

If time is a luxury then I am more poor than I imagined. Each tick of the clock brings me that much closer to actually seeing. The things I can not acknowledge will not be ignored. Where do you hide when your mind betrays you, when you can no longer blind yourself?

I spend my time unwisely. In these moments I have been given what have I accomplished? Each breath I draw is a lost moment, one where no dream was achieved, no progress made, nothing beneficial. Just a simple exchange of oxygen for carbon dioxide. The world will spin with or without any of us.

Where do you look to find a point? Do you listen to the word of another? Ultimately we answer to no one but ourselves.

Why must I mentally drag myself to even the most mundane of actions? There is something there, something driving me, an answer, I know there is. I have to make a choice. A large part of me looks at all of this life’s possibilities and feels the urge to jump to action!

What is unfortunate is even the smallest of doubts can outweigh the best of intentions. This burden, knowing the magnitude of what I have lost, weighs more than I know how to bear. I am at the mercy of my own insecurity, my own inaction.

There is an answer, there is an explanation. It is part of what is lost and I cling to the possibility of finding it. I now sit as I have so many times, fooling myself into believing that I will recover that missing magic bit of information. I think it is this delusion alone that powers my ability to move at all.

I am here. I will be here. I will keep looking.

I promise not to stray too far if you promise not to point out that I move in circles.

sc/bang01ish-ra(t)

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For Your Consideration

Posted on July 21, 2011. Filed under: Contests, Prose | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Ask anyone to say the magic word
invariably they will say “please.”
That is a fallacy, a lie, it holds no power.
I know true magic.
A single word – when spoken properly –
can devistate.
This word can end lives.
Destroy families.
Cause the mightiest of men to question their own worth.
This damning word is tricky,
it is generally benign in nature.
We use it every day.
The evil magic it holds is manifested by the speaker.
It’s duality only exsists due to the capacity
for cruelty in men’s hearts… or women’s.
Both are as likely to curse another
with this life altering utterance.
Once viciously used, once Pandora’s box is opened,
it’s never truly the same afterward,
it’s never quite shut again.
Try as you wish, no ammends are complete.
The word leaves it’s mark on the receiver.
I dare not divulge the secret
I will say this:
Speak not in anger and do not be rash.
Words can be powerful.
Burning bridges can consume in a literal sense…

sc
sw/urus2/3.10

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