Better living through chemistry

Posted on July 29, 2011. Filed under: Miscellaneous, Musings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

I’ve been mute more or less since I moved my blog. For that I have no other explanation than … well I’ve had nothing kicking around in my head to spew forth. Spew. Ha! I like that word. If you knew me (or if you know me and ever bothered to listen to me,) you would know when I write it’s all about incessant noise in my head. I’ve no control over what I write, it just jumps out of my fingers (or pen) and tada! There it is. No editing, no forethought other than the “gremlin” in the back of my throat chanting a few lines to me about the beginning subject in general and MAYBE a tangent. SO having said that…

The gremlin stirred today.

I’m in the midst of a medication change. Yay. I have this strict “no hospitalization” policy and my shrink knows it. Changing my meds is like changing a tire with nothing but a paper clip, a pillow and a hammer. No telling how you’re going to get it done but you know you need to make progress. My shrink is the Ultimate MacGyver. I can MacGyver the CRAP out of objects; he fixes my head (at least enough for me to remain “safe for public consumption AND responsible for the process of producing a viable member of society.”)

Fear that. (Bitchin run on too, ya like that, huh, do ya?)

I crack up when people get wind of what I take in a day. I swear I have no gag reflex. (No, I’m not trying to get dates… I swallow a lot of meds, doing so all at once is just a time saver. It also limits the possibility that one of the uncoated bad boys will attach itself to the roof of my mouth –shudder-. )  Moving on… I’m so chemically compromised I have no idea what I’d be without them – other than a stark raving, mood swinging psychotic succubus that is.

So here I am in my wonderful “get 14 straight hours of sleep/stay up 24 hours/repeat” cycle of lovely blahblahblahidone and dahdahdahidol (mutherfu marcimallow says shut yo mouth) new medications. I, being the superstar that we all know I am (I use the term We in the Royal Singular,) decide I to go to the Soso Center. Smaaaart. It’s like 10 pm. I’m driving down the road with pulse pops (wth do you call them? Everything is fine then your pulse pounds erratically kind of staccato anywhere from once to maybe 5 or 6 times. When it happens to me it’s like a wince noise… kind of funny, not painful or anything. It feels like being startled. Probably has something to do with the assload of amphetamines I’ve been eating for years to counteract the butt-ton of sedative type stabilizers and anti-depressants I practically mainline. Ahh the joys of trying to act like you haha. I don’t mind, like I know any different?) So like I was saying, I’m driving down the road and the pops start to come and go, when they do the contrast of lights and pitch dark (I live in the sticks) begin to make me giggle. It was a weird effect. Like in a cartoon when things get bulged out slightly then back to normal, split second of that then again… again.  I’m snotting I’m laughing. It was about then I noticed the cartoon boogie men in the shadows near lit areas. Nothing scary (hallucinations are not an issue with me, I know them for what they are, always have so it’s not been something that has come up as any sort of problem to medicate.) So I’m digging on the whole black and white cartoon monster thing till I hit the highway to the SoSo Center.  Goodbye Boogiemen, was fun while it lasted. The light had banished them. I considered turning around but I’m pretty sure it was a one shot wonder. Things like that don’t repeat, that would be too fun!

I hit the greeter at Soso and I try to open my mouth to ask a question and, lucky me, I couldn’t say a word.  Cotton Mouth.

Nice

Side effects can eatit. I put my head on my arms over my purse in the basket while holding up the Hang On finger… dug for anything that would inspire slobber in the cavern I call a handbag and HAHA thanks again Hall’s. Their slobber drops (strawberry) work like magic. Of course I thought I was going to have to rub it on my eyeball to get it started but it did wind up working. I made it out of there in record time (for me) and was back on the road. NOTHING fun happened on the way home. Nothing.

I supposed I’ll call my shrink’s office tomorrow and moan and groan but not because of the carnival I’m starring in after dark, ONLY because I can’t hack this messed up over medicated, circadian boffing nightmare sleep cycle wrecking cocktail (;

I have no idea how you might take all of this, it’s a little off from my norm, it’s more personal than I’ve ever really been about me, don’t expect too much like this in the future. I think in a way I’m more curious about all of you so I’m offering something of myself. I see myself as normal. There’s nothing amiss or lacking about my life. I don’t pity me, feel as if life did me wrong, I think I’m lucky to be honest. I feel bad for most people and I don’t mean to condescend by saying that. Nature compensated me for what I lack in emotional stability and looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. I KNOW certain things, I see things most don’t. I have a point of view that you can only get from looking sideways (so to speak) and yet I still can look through “normal” eyes. I’ve been on both sides of the society/outcast coin.

I think what the gremlin is trying to make me say (hehe) is:  I want to know if you think you’re weird or just me, what you think is normal, have you accepted who/what you are (I joyfully embrace it now,) How do you handle life – or can you?  Stuff like that, I have my answers, I wonder if other people do. I really would like to hear a “normal” (by that I mean non-mentally disturbed, imbalanced, psychotic) person’s take on ANYTHING.  Throw any answer in the comments, be anonymous if you wish, make up your own statement, but please, enlighten me!

-Spacy errr Stace Cadet wait, no

-egg

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4 Responses to “Better living through chemistry”

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Speaking as someone who’s been “un-medicated” (antihistamines don’t count, do they?) for most of my life I can honestly say that I don’t bounce around as much as you do (it’s probably my lazy side – can you be ADOS & Bi-polar but still lazy?) but the mental processes are similar. I have no trouble following you (except for wanting to find a ride and say “follow that train of thought!!”) since it’s the same thing that earned me my nick.

Looking back on it, I think I managed to DIY a hefty set of filters to make me “look” normal to the rest of the world, and keeping my mouth shut (more often than not) did the rest. When you say you look at the world sideways…. that’s how I feel most of the time. Like I’m on the set of one of the villains’ lair on the Batman TV show. Usually a bit of alcohol helps even things out, though. Because of all of this I have a lot of people who have friended me on FB from HS, but most have hidden my posts and don’t take my calls since I see the world differently (and grammatically correct.) Society, relationships, religion, politics, sexual relations, human behaviour (and those who don’t even try to act human…)

It’s entertaining to read someone elses’ adventures for a change than tell mine.

You’re KILLING me! I thought that my sister and I were alone in the world. She has no mental illness however she is brilliant. I feel like you could pass smoothly in and out of any of our conversations… as facile as Foster’s journey, minus the chair, in Contact (: . Maybe not quite so wondrous but they can still be eventful. (hopefully you don’t walk away from one and into an inquest… Hmm -awesome movie, mediocre reference fodder.)
-Stacy
PS were you in horizons too and is Troy your brother?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Not killing, hopefully. There’s much better things to do than die.

So many straight lines here. Too many for a smart-arse trying to be good to…. be good.

Thinking is a mental illness…..

What can I say? Thank you for this. That is the cycle many of us do with anti-depressants and stuff. I smile through your descriptions. Not out of a lack of empathy. Trust me. Been there too. Not all of it but some for sure. I’m eager to read more!


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